Breaking Up
Check out past entries of The Column below.
September 7, 2007
A few months ago I tried to break up with my girlfriend because I knew it wasn't a good relationship, but she kept calling, texting, and messaging me crying to apologize and threatening to continue contacting me. It made me feel horrible, so we got back together. How can I end this?
- 18, New Mexico
I'm glad you are looking for information about your relationship. It can be very hard to end a relationship with someone that you care about, even when your partner is hurting you. Remember that you have the right to be treated with respect by everyone in your life, especially your partner.
To end this relationship, you have to decide when it is right and safe for you. Breaking up is never easy, but you have the right to be safe. There are people in your community who can help you plan for your safety after your break-up. Your partner may do many things to convince you to come back to the relationship, including apologizing and promising to change, convincing you the abuse was your fault, or threatening to hurt you or someone you care about. It may help to confide in someone you trust so that you have someone to turn to for support when things are tough, like a counselor or a support group of people who survived abusive relationships. If things get really difficult or dangerous, you may also want to know what your legal rights are.
Even though there may be many things keeping you in this relationship, remember that abuse may get worse over time. Deciding to safely end your relationship now may save you from experiencing increased abuse in the future. Reaching out for help and information, like you did by writing us, is a good first step. Whether you end your relationship or not, keep your safety in mind at all times.
There are people who can help – your friends, family, people in your community, or anyone else you trust. You don’t need to go through this alone.
Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.
June 1, 2007
I know this relationship is bad for me and I should get out, but I really don't know how. Even though things get bad, the person I am with is my best friend. How do I break up and end our relationship altogether?!
- 14, California
I understand your partner has been a very important person in your life. Your partner may have many great qualities and really care about you. But if your partner is hurting you, it is never ok. Whether it is your friend or someone you are dating, you deserve to be treated well.
If you end this relationship, it is important to have friends or family around to support you. It is also best for you to end contact with your partner during this difficult time. Keep busy and focus on your own health.
Remember that breaking up can be dangerous, so always keep your safety in mind. Especially if your partner has hurt or threatened you, you may want to get a protection order. Breaking up may seem hard now, but it may be the best thing for you. No matter what happens, remember, you can ask us anything.
Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.
October 27, 2008
Is it wrong to stay in an abusive relationship? It feels as though if I were to leave I would be left with nothing at all.
- 15, Hawaii
It's difficult to say whether it's right or wrong to stay in an abusive relationship, but what is clear is that it's not healthy or safe to stay in a relationship that is abusive. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship that is full of trust, happiness and respect. YOU deserve to be in a healthy relationship. No one should feel that an abusive relationship is the only option.
Sometimes when a person is involved in an abusive relationship, they may begin to feel that things will get better when their partner starts to treat them better. On rare occasions the abuse may really end when the person has made the absolute commitment to change. But most times it does not and the abuse continues. This is what happens in a cycle of violence. The abuse can also get worse over time and it can also become harder to get out of an abusive relationship the longer you are involved in it.
Although you may feel that ending your relationship will leave you with nothing, I think you should ask yourself if the relationship you have is what you want. When you think of the type of relationship you want from someone, is that what you see with your partner? Is your relationship going to get better or is it safer for you to get out and begin to move forward? These are all very important questions to ask yourself. Remember, you cannot force your partner to change. Your partner must be the one to make the commitment to do so. It's important for you to think about your safety, your well-being AND your happiness. You don't only deserve this, you also have a right to it.
Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.
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