Emotional Abuse

My boyfriend puts me down, acts like he can control who I talk to and who I can see. He accuses me of cheating and he always wants to know where I am and who I am with. He blames me for his actions and says that I say dumb things. The only way I can talk to him is if I lie to him. What do I do?

- 18, Indiana

The behaviors you describe are typically seen in abusive relationships. He may not hit you but it's important to know that abuse is not just physical. Abuse can also be verbal/emotional. He puts you down and it's not right to cause someone pain on purpose. And if you feel you have to lie to make things work, something is not right.

It doesn't matter what you say or do to upset him. There is no excuse to treat someone that way. You are NOT to blame. I know it's difficult but think about your well-being and your happiness. Anytime someone tries to control your life, it's not a healthy relationship; it's abusive. You don't deserve that. No one does.

Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.

My sister's husband is abusing her emotionally. He does not allow her to talk to her family. He has hit her once and threatens her. What can I do to help her? She wants to give him another chance.

- 22, California

I undestand how terrible this is for her, for you and for the rest of the family to watch it happen. However, as much as you want to help your sister, she must be the one to make the decision to get out of the abuse. Of course, this doesn't mean that you leave her alone and let her deal with the situation herself. It just means that you can't force her to get out but you could and should continue to offer her support. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy.

Learn more about domestic violence and help your sister understand that her relationship is not healthy. Guiding her through this while still validating her feelings will be very helpful. Another thing is to help her develop a plan to end the relationship safely in case she does decide to leave. Remember, it's her decision to make and it's important to be respectful of her decisions. Regardless, your support will always be helpful.

Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.

My girlfriend is completely controlling and obsessive. When we talk about slowing things down, she cries and tells me she'll kill himself if I leave her. I'm afraid if I don’t try and help her, she may try to hurt herself or actually kill herself, but I can’t handle being in this relationship for much longer. I need some serious help.

- 15, Alabama

It sounds like you already have doubts about the relationship. If you stay with her, those controlling behaviors may get worse. Remember, no one has the right to control you or make you feel poorly about yourself. You deserve to be in a relationship because you want to, not because you feel you have to.

Remember that when she threatens to kill herself if you leave her, she is being emotionally abusive. She may be saying that because she is afraid that you will leave her and wants to control you. But if she is doing something to hurt you either way and it is not okay.

You should know that there are plenty of people and social service organizations in your area that can help you through it if you do decide that you need help to leave your girlfriend. It is also helpful to talk to someone you trust about your feelings, like a close friend or counselor.

Emotional abuse occurs anytime your partner attempts to manipulate or control you, lower your self-esteem, or make you feel afraid. It can also be the trigger that puts your relationship into a cycle of violence. Get more information on the cycle of violence and other forms of abuse.

Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.

When my boyfriend and I fight, he tells me I should hurt myself and that I don't deserve anybody. Is this abuse?

- 20, Vermont

Being physically violent or aggressive is not the only way your boyfriend may be abusive to you. He may hurt you emotionally as well, including putting you down, yelling at you, threatening to hurt you or pushing you to hurt yourself.

Your boyfriend may be doing these things to control you, lower your self-esteem, keep you in the relationship, or make you feel afraid. If you do not feel loved and supported by your boyfriend, this relationship is not as healthy as you deserve.

Also remember that sometimes emotional abuse can lead to physical and sexual assaults. It is important to take steps now to protect yourself. And for more information about the common types of abuse in a relationship, click here.

Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.