I have a friend in an abusive relationship. He's threatened to hurt her if she leaves him an she just turned 18. Her family and I have tried very hard to let her know we will help her if she needs us but she's scared. I'm so scared for her and I'm afraid that at some point he might really hurt her. I don't know what to do to help her.
- 17, Iowa
It is important to let your friend know that you are concerned for her safety. Let her know also that her abusive relationship is not "normal" and that she deserves to be in a healthy relationship and in a safe environment.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be a difficult and scary thing to do. Encourage your friend to develop a safety plan to help her end her relationship safely. This can include changing the route to school/work, changing jobs or always letting someone know where you are going.
Something else to suggest to your friend is to file for a restraining order. If she is worried about her safety after ending the relationship, a restraining order can offer her protection. The best thing for her to do is to speak to someone in her community to explore her options. Offering to help connect her to community resources will be helpful.
Most importantly, remind your that she is not alone and that you and her family are there to support her and help her in any way possible. And make sure she knows that if she's ever in immediate danger it's important to call 911.
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May 23, 2008
My friend is in a pretty abusive relationship--emotionally, physically, verbally and sexually. No one who cares about her likes him. I know she can do so much better; she just needs to see it. I was wondering if you could help me figure out what I can do to help. We finally convinced her to end it but she's really nervous because he's a pretty scary guy.
- 15, California
I think it's great that you are taking several steps to help your friend. It sounds like she has been going through so much and no one deserves to be treated that way. I am glad that she's beginning to see that she deserves to be in a healthy relationship.
There are several ways that you can help your friend and be supportive. One thing is to keep learning about teen dating violence. You can share this information with your friend so that she can learn to identify some of the warning signs in abusive relationships. Then in the future, she can better determine if someone is good for her. Another thing is to discuss safety planning with her. Depending on the circumstances, this can involve changing her route to school or changing her place of work. See our Teen's Guide to Safety Planning for specific tips.
You can also help by connecting her with resources in the community. There are several places that can give information and guidance as she moves forward. Above all, continue to give her support. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy. Having the support of family of friends can make a big difference.
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July 3, 2008
I have a very great friend. She has been with a guy for the last two years. They are very much in love. But when she tells me about him, she talks about how he always get jealous for no apparent reason. He doesn't let her talk to any other guys or he will yell at her on the phone. An hour later he calls saying he's sorry and that he loves her and never wants to lose her. Although all this is happening, she wants to stay with him. Should she?
- 13, California
The behaviors that you describe in your friend's relationship sound like the types of behaviors you see in abusive relationships. Your friend's boyfriend may not be physically abusive but abuse comes in different forms. Putting someone down or keeping them from talking with other people are types of abuse. It also sounds like your friend might be caught in a cycle of violence. This happens when one person hurts the other and then apologizes to make it better, but later does it again. Many times this cycle continues to repeat itself and things may become worse.
I suggest that you learn about teen dating violence so that you can share this information with your friend and help her see that her relationship is not healthy. Unfortunately, only she can make the decision to leave the relationship but you can be there for her by helping her realize that she deserves better. It can be hard getting out of an abusive relationship so you want to let your friend know that you are there to support her. Suggest to your friend that she take our healthy relationship quiz. It may help give her an idea of the type of relationship she has and maybe decide to get help.
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