Is This Abuse?

People tell me what my boyfriend does is not ok, but I sometimes don't understand what is so bad about it. When we're fighting I try to walk away and he grabs me by the hair and pulls me back. He started being rude to me in front of my friends. It's humiliating. I only have gotten one bruise on my arm and that's it.

- 17, California

Unfortunately, the behaviors you've described are typically found in abusive relationships. And it doesn't matter how many bruises he's left you or if he's left none at all. Whether or not there's a mark, what he's doing is abusive. When he humiliates you in front of friends it is also being abusive.

If your friends are telling you that what he is doing is not right, then they may be noticing these things too. When someone causes you pain on purpose, that is not healthy. If you decided to reach out to us, perhaps it's because you also feel that something in your relationship is not right--you shouldn't ignore those feelings. Abuse can continue and get worse in a cycle of violence. Remember that your well-being and happiness are what matter most.

Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.

I'm so confused. I can't tell if he's controlling me or not. He has done some things that are physical but he's trying to stop. But then again, I do as much as I can to keep him from getting mad at me so I'm not sure if he has completely stopped. Should I get him mad to find out?

- 16, Texas

Avoid making him upset on purpose just to see what his reaction will be. That said, regardless of what you've done to make him upset in the past, there is no reason for you to experience ANY type of abuse from him. It's important to do things to keep relationships healthy and happy and functioning well--they take work. But that doesn't mean having to constantly watch what you say or do. That's not natural and it's not healthy. In healthy relationships you feel safe and loved at ALL times.

Sometimes it may begin to feel that things will get better when the person begins to treat their partner better. On rare occasions it lasts forever but most times it does not and the abuse continues. That's the cycle of violence. Remember that your health and well-being are what matter most.

Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.

I am not sure if I am in an abusive relationship. There are many people that feel I am being abused although I’ve never been hit. He is very jealous and is constantly checking up on me. I am not "allowed" to do anything with friends or family without it causing a fight. He is never outright mean to me but he says hurtful things and then says he is "just joking." Is this abuse and is it going to get worse?

- 24, Florida

In healthy relationships, a person is mindful of their partner’s feelings and respects his or her wishes. You described behaviors typically found in
abusive relationships.

Remember, there are different types of abuse. He may not hit you but abuse can also be things that he says. You say he doesn’t "allow" you to spend time with friends and family. Anytime someone is trying to control your life, it’s abusive. And it can escalate to something worse.

Abuse can also be when your partner tells you something to upset you and then says it was "just a joke." It’s not a joke if it’s hurtful and intentional. When someone causes you pain on purpose, that is not love. Love should make you feel happy, treasured and safe.

Unfortunately, abusive relationships tend to only get worse. Remember that even though it is difficult and scary, there is always help.

Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.

Is it okay for me to hit my boyfriend because I am a girl?

- 16, Florida

Physical violence is a serious form of abuse and can include hitting, punching, kicking, spitting, throwing, or using a weapon to harm someone. If you are hurting your boyfriend like this on purpose, it is not okay.

Even if you don't mean to hurt him, you may be doing more harm than you think. Ultimately, the person who decides whether you are just playing around or seriously causing pain is your boyfriend. Even if you don't think it is a big deal, you partner might.

The safest bet is to refrain from violence in a relationship no matter what the situation is.

Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.

I say hurtful things sometimes to my partner, but just as a joke. Am I being abusive?

- 16, Florida

Often people in relationships say hurtful things to each other. But saying hurtful things to humiliate, put down, control, or harass your partner is abusive.

It can be difficult and confusing to figure out if you are in an abusive relationship. Educating yourself about the dynamics of dating and domestic violence is a good first step.

Take this quiz to help decide if your relationship is as healthy as you deserve. If you decide you are acting in an unhealthy manner, read these suggestions on how to change your behavior.

Still have questions? Remember, you can ask us anything.