Breaking Up

How do I break up with my boyfriend? He has anger issues and I want to end it.

- Wisconsin, 16

There isn’t one particular way of ending a relationship because situations are always different for everyone. One thing to keep in mind is that it’s much harder to end an abusive relationship if you’re trying to do so on your own. It’s very important to have someone there to support you. If there is someone in particular that you trust like a friend or family member, think about telling them what’s been happening in your relationship so that they can give you support. Let them know how they can help you get through this. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

If you decide you’re ready to end the relationship, it’s important to know that abuse can get worse during this time, when you decide to leave. For this reason it’s very important to create a safety plan. Even if you haven’t exactly reached this decision, it’s important for you to consider your safety at all times. A safety plan is a personalized and practical plan for reducing your risk of being hurt by your partner. By thinking through it in advance, a safety plan can help you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react when you are in danger. Check out our page that talks about safety planning in more detail. We also have a safety planning handbook to help guide you through the process.

If you believe that your safety might be at risk if you decide to end the relationship, one option you may have available to you is to file for a domestic violence protection order (also known as a restraining order). An attorney in your community can help you figure out your options.

If you do decide to break up with your boyfriend, one thing you may want to do is to bring a friend with you so that you are not alone. Having someone there with you can give you more safety and it’s important to think about your safety at all times, especially if you have noticed anger issues with your boyfriend. And don’t forget that if you’re ever in immediate danger that you should call the police right away.

Being involved in an unhealthy relationship can sometimes make a person feel isolated. So remember, if you haven’t done so already, think about talking to someone that you trust about what’s happening. It’s very important to have the support from someone you know and trust. You shouldn’t have to deal with this on your own.

How do I break up with my boyfriend? He has anger issues land I want to end it.

- Anonymous

First, there isn’t one particular way of ending a relationship because situations are always different for everyone. And sometimes it takes several attempts before you’re able to leave the relationship for good. One thing to keep in mind is that it’s much harder to end an abusive relationship if you’re trying to do so on your own. It’s very important to have someone there to support you. If there is someone in particular that you trust like a friend or family member, think about telling them what’s been happening in your relationship so that they can give you support. Let them know how they can help you get through this. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

If you’re ready to end the relationship, it’s important to know that abuse can get worse during this time, when you decide to leave. For this reason it’s very important to create a safety plan. Even if you haven’t exactly reached this decision, it’s important for you to consider your safety at all times, especially if your boyfriend has anger issues. A safety plan is a personalized and practical plan for reducing your risk of being hurt by your partner. By thinking through it in advance, a safety plan can help you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react when you are in danger.

If you are currently in school, a safety plan can also be implemented there, sometimes with the help of school administration. Schools have a responsibility to protect students. If you go to the same school as your boyfriend, it’s a good idea to talk to someone there about what’s happening and how they can help.

If you believe that your safety might be at risk if you decide to end the relationship, one option you may have available to you is to file for a domestic violence protection order (also known as a restraining order). Depending on your state, you may be able to qualify for one. To find out more information about your state’s laws, visit our website here.

Keep in mind that each state has different guidelines for filing for protection orders. If for any reason you do not qualify for a domestic violence protection order, there may be other types of protection/restraining orders that you do qualify for. The best thing to do is to speak to a lawyer in your community who can provide you with this information.

In general, the best way to prove to a judge that a protection order is necessary is by providing detailed information regarding all abusive incidents that have taken place. A good way of tracking this is by keeping a journal. That way if you ever go before a judge, you will have all that information prepared. A journal is not exactly evidence, but the information in it may come in handy if you decide to file for a protection order.

Something you can do moving forward is to spend more time with family and friends and take part in activities and hobbies that you enjoy. The idea is to surround yourself with people and things that make you feel happy, as well as surround yourself by those who maintain healthy relationships.

What you’re going through is difficult and it’s even more difficult trying to figure out what to do next. But know that your safety, well-being and happiness are very important. And remember to talk to someone that you trust about what’s happening. You shouldn’t have to deal with this on your own.

My ex-boyfriend found out I had been seeing someone else. Aside from all the texts and calls, he harasses me on a daily basis. Tonight he came to my house, inside, and when i tried to push him out he yanked my cell phone right out of my hand and ran and drove off with it. What can I do to stop feeling like a prisoner even though the relationship is over?!

- 19, Oklahoma

First and foremost, if you ever need help or feel that you’re in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to call 911.

If your ex-boyfriend is doing things to intimidate you, scare you or threaten you, you have the right to protect yourself. One option you may have is to file for a restraining order against him. A restraining order—also sometimes called a protection order—is a court order that makes it illegal for the abuser to harm you, come near you or contact you.

In Oklahoma, you can qualify for a restraining order if the abuser is someone:
• You are dating or used to date
• You live with or used to live with
• You have a child with
• You are married to or used to be married to
• Who is your parent or your child
• You are related to by blood or marriage, includes step-parents, in-laws, and adoption or foster relationships
• Who stalked or raped you, whether or not you have a relationship with or even know them

A judge can issue a restraining order when the abuser has:
• Physically abused you or threatened to physically abuse you
• Sexually abused you
• Emotionally distressed you
• Harassed you
• Stalked you
• Sexually harassed you
• Harassed you through obscene telephone calls

The most effective way to prove to a judge that you need a restraining order is by keeping a record of what’s happening with your ex-boyfriend. The more specific you can be, the better. A good way of tracking this is by keeping a journal. That way if you ever go before a judge, you will have all that information prepared. A journal is not exactly evidence, but it helps in stating your case as to why it’s necessary for you to have protection.

Going to court can sometimes be intimidating for people. The best thing for you to do is to talk to an attorney in your community who can provide you with more guidance and who can talk to you about the process of court.

Finally, it’s very important that you create a safety plan. A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that can help you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react when you are in danger. This can include changing your walking route to/from school; having important numbers on you and a cell phone at all times–it’s a good idea to replace the one he took; letting people know where you will be at all times; avoiding going to places alone or where there are few people, etc.

Another thing you can do is change your cell phone number or block your ex-boyfriend’s number. Some phone companies will let you do this. You can contact your service provider and ask if that is something they can do. Remember that if he leaves you any harassing messages, the best thing to do is to save the messages in case you decide to file for a restraining order later.

Just remember that your safety is important. If he’s still coming after you, you definitely want to do something about it, like calling the police. If you haven’t already, talk to someone you trust about this so that they know what’s going on. Taking a few precautionary steps is always a good idea.

Is it wrong to stay in an abusive relationship? It feels as though if I were to leave I would be left with nothing at all.

- 15, Hawaii

It’s difficult to say whether it’s right or wrong to stay in an abusive relationship, but what is clear is that it’s not healthy or safe to stay in a relationship that is abusive. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship that is full of trust, happiness and respect. YOU deserve to be in a healthy relationship. No one should feel that an abusive relationship is the only option.

Sometimes when a person is involved in an abusive relationship, they may begin to feel that things will get better when their partner starts to treat them better. On rare occasions the abuse may really end when the person has made the absolute commitment to change. But most times it does not and the abuse continues. This is what happens in a cycle of abuse. The abuse can also get worse over time and it can also become harder to get out of an abusive relationship the longer you are involved in it.

Although you may feel that ending your relationship will leave you with nothing, I think you should ask yourself if the relationship you have is what you want. When you think of the type of relationship you want from someone, is that what you see with your partner? Is your relationship going to get better or is it safer for you to get out and begin to move forward? These are all very important questions to ask yourself. Remember, you cannot force your partner to change. Your partner must be the one to make the commitment to do so. It’s important for you to think about your safety, your well-being AND your happiness. You don’t only deserve this, you also have a right to it.

A few months ago I tried to break up with my girlfriend because I knew it wasn’t a good relationship, but she kept calling, texting, and messaging me crying to apologize and threatening to continue contacting me. It made me feel horrible, so we got back together. How can I end this?

- 18, New Mexico

I’m glad you are looking for information about your relationship. It can be very hard to end a relationship with someone that you care about, even when your partner is hurting you. Remember that you have the right to be treated with respect by everyone in your life, especially your partner.

To end this relationship, you have to decide when it is right and safe for you. Breaking up is never easy, but you have the right to be safe. There are people in your community who can help you plan for your safety after your break-up. Your partner may do many things to convince you to come back to the relationship, including apologizing and promising to change, convincing you the abuse was your fault, or threatening to hurt you or someone you care about. It may help to confide in someone you trust so that you have someone to turn to for support when things are tough, like a counselor or a support group of people who survived abusive relationships. If things get really difficult or dangerous, you may also want to know what your legal rights are.

Even though there may be many things keeping you in this relationship, remember that abuse may get worse over time. Deciding to safely end your relationship now may save you from experiencing increased abuse in the future. Reaching out for help and information, like you did by writing us, is a good first step. Whether you end your relationship or not, keep your safety in mind at all times.

There are people who can help – your friends, family, people in your community, or anyone else you trust. You don’t need to go through this alone.

I know this relationship is bad for me and I should get out, but I really don’t know how. Even though things get bad, the person I am with is my best friend. How do I break up and end our relationship altogether?!

- 14, California

I understand your partner has been a very important person in your life. Your partner may have many great qualities and really care about you. But if your partner is hurting you, it is never ok. Whether it is your friend or someone you are dating, you deserve to be treated well.

If you end this relationship, it is important to have friends or family around to support you. It is also best for you to end contact with your partner during this difficult time. Keep busy and focus on your own health.

Remember that breaking up can be dangerous, so always keep your safety in mind. Especially if your partner has hurt or threatened you, you may want to get a protection order. Breaking up may seem hard now, but it may be the best thing for you. No matter what happens, remember, you can ask us anything.