Counseling

I worry I might be abusive. Sometimes I use putdowns or I’m just mean. I don’t know how to stop.

- Wisconsin, 20

It’s a step in the right direction to notice the abusive behaviors. Making positive change starts by acknowledging that something is not right–this is a very big first step. The next step is to meet with a professional, like a counselor or a therapist, who can help you through this. Someone in this position is able to work with you to try to figure out where it’s coming from and help you identify better ways to deal with any anger you may have. A counselor can also help you how to have healthier relationships.

If you haven’t yet met with someone and you’re not sure where to go, a good place to start is by contacting local domestic violence organizations. They usually have information to helpful resources in the community; resources like anger management and counseling. But remember that commitment is necessary for real change. By reaching out for help, you’re already on the right path.

Should I have reason to hope that my boyfriend will change his abuse toward me?

- 18, California

It is hard to say whether or not your boyfriend will change his abuse toward you. Counseling is one way an abusive partner can try to change his/her behavior; getting help to stop abusive behavior is an important first step. However, going to counseling or joining a support group is only successful if your boyfriend is committed to changing his attitude
and behaviors. For that to happen, he needs to be able to recognize that he is being abusive, be willing to get help and make the decision to do so.

However, it’s important to keep in mind that even if your boyfriend does decide to get help, it does not necessarily mean his behavior will change. Abuse can become worse over time. If this does not happen, you have the right to leave your relationship at any time if it does not feel right. You should also know that if at any time you fear for your safety, you should call 911 immediately.

Going through something like this is very hard and breaking up is also difficult. But you have to think about your well-being and happiness. It’s a hard decision to make. But above all, know that you deserve to be in a safe and healthy relationship, free from violence and free from fear.

My partner has been physically and emotionally abusive towards me. He is in therapy right now, but I think I realize now that I need to start a new life without him. What should I do?

- 17, New York

It sounds like you are in a very dangerous relationship and I am happy that you are taking the first step to get – seeking help. I am concerned, however, that you are still around your abusive partner. Remember that the process of change is very difficult and long.

Staying with him may pose a serious risk to your safety. You should keep emergency phone numbers programmed in your cell phone, and be sure to take crowded routes home so you are never alone. Make sure that someone you know always knows where you are and that you have the numbers and addresses of some close friends, family or the nearest shelters in case you have to leave in an emergency. Get more tips on how to stay safe.

Even if your partner decides to get help, you are still in a very dangerous situation. As I mentioned before, the process of change is difficult, and unfortunately, your health and safety are most at risk during this period. People have need to decide on their own to change their behaviors.

At this point, your partner has already acted upon his or her abusive impulses, so going to an individual therapist or general counselor will not be enough. Make sure that you find an accredited Batterers’ Treatment program in your area that will address your partners’ past and belief systems to actually change the abusive behavior. A good batterers’ treatment program is usually an intensive program that lasts for several months and keeps in touch with you.

You are an important measure of your partner’s change, so they should stay in contact with you and help you understand where your partner is in the process. Anything less than this may not work, and could leave you in a more dangerous position than before. For more information on abusers and change, check out Break the Cycle’s handout “Is My Abusive Partner Changing?“

After the last time my partner hit me, we agreed to go to couples counseling. Is this enough to make it stop?

- 17, California

It is important that you and your partner are committed to building a healthy relationship, but changeing is hard. Couples’ counseling generally offers partners an open and safe place to discuss and solve their problems.

However, partners in abusive relationships have needs that can’t be addressed safely in couples’ counseling. The abuse is not your fault, so going to counseling to change your behavior won’t fix your relationship. You should look for counseling or support groups to help you deal with your experiences or abuse. Your partner is the one responsible for change, and should be in a program specifically designed for domestic violence.

Remember that staying with your partner during this time is very dangerous for you. Get suggestions about creating your own safety plan.