I just came out of a very abusive relationship. I was having a conversation with a close friend and he said, ‘It was your responsibility to get out.’ He doesn’t understand the fear and the controlling way of my ex. He hurt me. How could I explain to him I was not responsible for the beatings and the fear, and that the manipulation did not allow me to get out sooner?

- 25, Florida

For people who have not gone through such experiences or are not knowledgeable about the subject, it’s possible that they don’t (or cannot) understand how it can affect someone. Domestic violence is not just something you simply get out of; it’s difficult, painful, lonely and very scary for some victims. And it’s not something that a victim of domestic violence is responsible for–there is NOTHING that would make you responsible for what was done to you.

One thing you should do is tell your friend how much his comment hurt you. If you feel comfortable, let him know that in certain ways you still continue to deal with what happened and that it would be helpful if he was more supportive. Don’t hesitate to tell him how you need him to support you.

It may also be a good idea to “educate” your friend about domestic violence. Share information with him about this issue. You can tell him that you would appreciate if he did that for you. That can be a first step in getting him to understand what you’ve been through.

I am recently coming out of a very abusive relationship. In the past two months I have fallen in love with the man of my dreams. He has known about my previous relationship but I just recently gave him most details so he can support me through this. This conversation has brought us to a really hard place.

My current boyfriend doesn’t understand how the woman he knows could have possibly been the weak person subject to abuse time and time again. How do I make someone understand the dynamics of domestic violence and move forward from here?

- 20, Colorado

I understand how difficult this must be, especially after you trusted him with very personal information. If your boyfriend is not familiar with domestic violence, he may not understand how this can affect someone. Domestic violence doesn’t just affect “weak” women; domestic violence affects all sorts of women regardless of who they are.

One thing you may want to consider is to share with him information on domestic violence. Perhaps if he learns more about this issue he will begin to understand how this was difficult for you and how difficult it is for ANYONE that goes through it, and give you the support you need. And don’t forget that support for each other is important to have a healthy relationship.