Emotional Abuse

Whenever my boyfriend and I get into arguments it is usually after he has been drinking, That is when he begins calling me names and putting me down, turning the situation around to be my fault. But as soon as the day passes and he is sober he a totally different person. Am I a victim of emotional abuse?

- 18, Colorado

The behaviors you described (his putting you down, calling you names and turning things on you) are abusive behaviors. Remember, you have the right to a safe and healthy relationship that is free from abuse. If his behavior continues, it’s possible that the elationship could put you at great risk for serious harm. And it’s very important to know about the cycle of abuse and that it can become worse over time.

You said that your boyfriend’s behaviors happen when he drinks. It’s true that drugs and alcohol lower a person’s inhibitions, making them more likely to forget or not care about the consequences of their actions. But it’s important to know that drugs and alcohol do not cause violence or abuse; it only makes it worse. If your boyfriend says to you that he can’t control his behavior when he’s drunk, remember that he is still choosing to get drunk and is still responsible for his actions. Using alcohol (or drugs) is never an excuse for being abusive.

What you decide to do next, whether to say in the relationship or end it, is completely your decision. Leaving an abusive relationship is a very difficult thing, especially when you care for the person. But it’s very important for you to consider whether remaining in this relationship is good, and more importantly, safe for you. Just know that you deserve to be with someone who will respect you, support you and treat you well. You also deserve to be happy and to feel happy about your relationship.

If you decide to stay in the relationship, it’s important for you to have a talk with your boyfriend about what’s been going on. Here are some things to do and to keep in mind:

• If his behavior continues, set limits and consequences for his actions. Let him know that you will leave the relationship if he doesn’t change the behaviors you believe are unhealthy or unsafe.
• Make sure to focus on your own needs. Be clear about exactly how you need him to change, which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not. Don’t accept excuses if he doesn’t make these changes.
• Encourage him to get help. A domestic violence or counseling program can teach him to have a violence-free relationship. It’s also important for him to address any drinking issues that may be present.
• Remember that he should have a positive attitude towards treatment and change. If he can admit that any abuse is wrong, it’s more likely the abuse will end.

If you decide to end the relationship, it’s important to know that abuse can get worse when you decide to leave the relationship. For this reason, I would strongly encourage you to create a safety plan. Even if you haven’t exactly reached this decision, it’s important for you to consider your safety at all times. A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that can help you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react when you are in danger.

What you’re going through is difficult and that it’s even more difficult trying to figure out what to do next. But know that your safety, well-being and happiness are the most important thing. If you haven’t done so already, consider talking to someone that trust like a friend or a family member. Having personal support from someone that’s close to you can make a huge difference.

My boyfriend puts me down, acts like he can control who I talk to and who I can see. He accuses me of cheating and he always wants to know where I am and who I am with. He blames me for his actions and says that I say dumb things. The only way I can talk to him is if I lie to him. What do I do?

- 18, Indiana

The behaviors you describe are typically seen in abusive relationships. He may not hit you but it’s important to know that abuse is not just physical ( There are many types of abuse. Abuse can also be verbal/emotional. He puts you down and it’s not right to cause someone pain on purpose. And if you feel you have to lie to make things work, something is not right.

It doesn’t matter what you say or do to upset him. There is no excuse to treat someone that way. You are NOT to blame. I know it’s difficult but think about your well-being and your happiness. Anytime someone tries to control your life, it’s not a healthy relationship; it’s abusive. You don’t deserve that. No one does.

My sister’s husband is abusing her emotionally. He does not allow her to talk to her family. He has hit her once and threatens her. What can I do to help her? She wants to give him another chance.

- 22, California

I understand how terrible this is for her, for you and for the rest of the family to watch it happen. However, as much as you want to help your sister, she must be the one to make the decision to get out of the abuse. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you leave her alone and let her deal with the situation herself. It just means that you can’t force her to get out but you could and should continue to offer her support. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy.

Learn more about domestic violence and help your sister understand that her relationship is not healthy. Guiding her through this while still validating her feelings will be very helpful. Another thing is to help her develop a plan to end the relationship safely in case she does decide to leave. Remember, it’s her decision to make and it’s important to be respectful of her decisions. Regardless, your support will always be helpful.

My girlfriend is completely controlling and obsessive. When we talk about slowing things down, she cries and tells me she’ll kill herself if I leave her. I’m afraid if I don’t try and help her, she may try to hurt herself or actually kill herself, but I can’t handle being in this relationship for much longer. I need some serious help.

- 15, Alabama

It sounds like you already have doubts about the relationship. If you stay with her, those controlling behaviors may get worse. Remember, no one has the right to control you or make you feel poorly about yourself. You deserve to be in a relationship because you want to, not because you feel you have to.

Remember that when she threatens to kill herself if you leave her, she is being emotionally abusive. She may be saying that because she is afraid that you will leave her and wants to control you. But if she is doing something to hurt you either way and it is not okay.

You should know that there are plenty of people and social service organizations in your area that can help you through it if you do decide that you need help to leave your girlfriend. It is also helpful to talk to someone you trust about your feelings, like a close friend or counselor.

Emotional abuse occurs anytime your partner attempts to manipulate or control you, lower your self-esteem, or make you feel afraid. It can also be the trigger that puts your relationship into a cycle of violence. Get more information on the cycle of abuse and other types of abuse.

When my boyfriend and I fight, he tells me I should hurt myself and that I don’t deserve anybody. Is this abuse?

- 20, Vermont

Being physically violent or aggressive is not the only way your boyfriend may be abusive to you. He may hurt you emotionally as well, including putting you down, yelling at you, threatening to hurt you or pushing you to hurt yourself.

Your boyfriend may be doing these things to control you, lower your self-esteem, keep you in the relationship, or make you feel afraid. If you do not feel loved and supported by your boyfriend, this relationship is not as healthy as you deserve.

Also remember that sometimes emotional abuse can lead to physical and sexual assaults. It is important to take steps now to protect yourself. Learn more information about the common types of abuse.