Help a Friend

My best friend has been dating a guy for two years. All he does is constantly put her down and yell at her for everything. The smallest things make him scream at her. He puts her down in front of all of our friends and usually when we hang out with them, it ends in her crying at the end of the night. They recently had a big fight and I tried and tried to tell her to leave him.. He’s never hit her, he just destroys her self confidence. I don’t know how else to help her.

- 20, Pennsylvania

It is so important that you support her through this difficult time. There are many ways you can try to help someone close to you who is in an abusive relationship, but the first thing you must remember is that, although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, you cannot “rescue” them or force them to change their current situation.

It’s also important for her to understand that what is happening to her is not right or “normal” and that she deserves better. Many people in abusive relationships or those who may be experiencing abusive behaviors can be unaware that it is happening. Help her see those behaviors that are abusive. He may not hit her but abuse is not just physical; abuse can also be verbal/emotional. Putting someone down, yelling at them, humiliating
them in front of others, destroying their confidence, making them feel like it’s all their fault—all of these are abusive behaviors. It’s also important for her to understand that abuse can become worse over time.
Read about the different types of abuse and the cycle of abuse so that you can share this information with her.

Again, it’s wonderful that you want to do what you can to help your friend; ultimately, the decision is up to her. However, there are other ways you can support and encourage her to make a positive change in her
life:

• Don’t be afraid to let her know that you are concerned for her safety.
• Tell her you see what is going on and you want to help. Help her to recognize that she deserves a healthy, non-violent relationship.
• Acknowledge that she is in a very difficult situation but let her know she is not alone.
• Be supportive and listen to her. Let her know you are available to help whenever she needs it. What she needs most is someone who will listen to her and who can help her sort out her options.
• Be non-judgmental and respect her decisions. There are many complex reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. She may break up with and go back to him many times but do not criticize her for doing that; she will need your support even more during those times. Do not make her feel bad for her choices – even if you think these choices are wrong. Without being in her exact position yourself, it is almost impossible to understand why or how she comes to her decisions.
• Help her develop a safety plan. She may not be ready to end the relationship now but it’s always a good idea to plan ahead.
• Encourage her to talk to people who can give her help and guidance.
• Offer to go with her to find a counselor or support group, or to talk to her family, friends or teachers.
• Remember that you cannot make her end her relationship. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately she must make the final decision. You should be there to support her and to help her find her own way to escape the abuse and make herself safe.
• Remember, it is ultimately your friend’s decision whether or not she wants to leave her relationship. The best thing you can do for her is be there, let her know you are there to listen and help, and continue to support her no matter what decision she makes.

I was at a red light and the guy in the car behind me was yelling and swearing so loudly at the girl in the passenger seat next to him, that I could hear him from my car. She was covering her ears with her hands and her eyes were shut tight. The light turned green and I didn’t go. The yeller honked and swore at me. I could see the relief in the other girl’s face. He had switched his attention to me and off her. I felt bad. In the future, what could I do?

- 19, New York

First, it’s great that you want to learn more about what you can do if/when you witness a situation of domestic violence. You are probably right; the girl in the passenger seat may have felt relief when the attention was shifted off of her and onto you. However, because you don’t know the extent of the situation, it’s probably best to not involve yourself directly if this were to happen again. You do not ever want to compromise your own safety. The guy in the car had an obvious temper and turning the anger onto to you could potentially be very dangerous.

If a similar situation were to happen again, the best thing to do is to try to contact the authorities. Take down the license plate if you can and report the vehicle to the police, letting them know that you believe you witnessed a domestic violence situation and that you were concerned for the person in the car. If you see a situation like this occurring on the street, try to find a security guard or a police officer to inform about the incident. Just remember, do not put yourself in danger, especially without knowing the extent of the situation.

I have a friend in an abusive relationship. He’s threatened to hurt her if she leaves him an she just turned 18. Her family and I have tried very hard to let her know we will help her if she needs us but she’s scared. I’m so scared for her and I’m afraid that at some point he might really hurt her. I don’t know what to do to help her.

- 17, Iowa

It is important to let your friend know that you are concerned for her safety. Let her know also that her abusive relationship is not “normal” and that she deserves to be in a healthy relationship and in a safe environment.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be a difficult and scary thing to do. Encourage your friend to develop a safety plan to help her end her relationship safely. This can include changing the route to school/work, changing jobs or always letting someone know where you are going.

Something else to suggest to your friend is to file for a restraining order. If she is worried about her safety after ending the relationship, a restraining order can offer her protection. The best thing for her to do is to speak to someone in her community to explore her options. Offering to help connect her to community resources will be helpful.

Most importantly, remind your that she is not alone and that you and her family are there to support her and help her in any way possible. And make sure she knows that if she’s ever in immediate danger it’s important to call 911.

I have a very great friend. She has been with a guy for the last two years. They are very much in love. But when she tells me about him, she talks about how he always get jealous for no apparent reason. He doesn’t let her talk to any other guys or he will yell at her on the phone. An hour later he calls saying he’s sorry and that he loves her and never wants to lose her. Although all this is happening, she wants to stay with him. Should she?

- 13, California

The behaviors that you describe in your friend’s relationship sound like the types of behaviors you see in abusive relationships. Your friend’s boyfriend may not be physically abusive but abuse comes in different forms. Putting someone down or keeping them from talking with other people are types of abuse. It also sounds like your friend might be caught in a cycle of violence. This happens when one person hurts the other and then apologizes to make it better, but later does it again. Many times this cycle continues to repeat itself and things may become worse.

I suggest that you learn about teen dating violence so that you can share this information with your friend and help her see that her relationship is not healthy. Unfortunately, only she can make the decision to leave the relationship but you can be there for her by helping her realize that she deserves better. It can be hard getting out of an abusive relationship so you want to let your friend know that you are there to support her. Suggest to your friend that she take our healthy relationship quiz. It may help give her an idea of the type of relationship she has and maybe decide to get help.

My friend is in a pretty abusive relationship–emotionally, physically, verbally and sexually. No one who cares about her likes him. I know she can do so much better; she just needs to see it. I was wondering if you could help me figure out what I can do to help. We finally convinced her to end it but she’s really nervous because he’s a pretty scary guy.

- 15, California

I think it’s great that you are taking several steps to help your friend. It sounds like she has been going through so much and no one deserves to be treated that way. I am glad that she’s beginning to see that she deserves to be in a healthy relationship.

There are several ways that you can help your friend and be supportive. One thing is to keep learning about teen dating violence. You can share this information with your friend so that she can learn to identify some of the warning signs in abusive relationships. Then in the future, she can better determine if someone is good for her. Another thing is to discuss safety planning with her. Depending on the circumstances, this can involve changing her route to school or changing her place of work. See our Teen’s Guide to Safety Planning for specific tips.

You can also help by connecting her with resources in the community. There are several places that can give information and guidance as she moves forward. Above all, continue to give her support. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy. Having the support of family of friends can make a big difference.