Is this Abuse?

Sometimes my girlfriend wants to go through my phone. Is this a big deal?

Healthy relationships are based on mutual honesty, trust, respect and open communication. If one partner goes through the other’s things, especially without their knowledge or consent, that is not okay and the relationship is likely unhealthy. Invasion of privacy is also illegal. Each person must determine for themselves what they are comfortable with and what level of privacy they want in their relationships. And it’s important to communicate this decision to one’s boyfriend or girlfriend. If that is not respected, something is not right. Read about building healthy relationships here.

Depending on what’s happening in the relationship, these types of behaviors can be a warning sign that your relationship is headed in the wrong direction. It’s important to address it right away before things become worse. Find out more about warning signs here.

And don’t forget to take our quiz to find out if your relationship is as healthy as you deserve.

What’s the difference between an abusive relationship and saying something hurtful to someone occasionally?

- California, 16

Calling someone names in order to humiliate them, put them down, or lower their self-esteem is abusive behavior. Often people will say hurtful things to each other, and technically that behavior is abusive. However, there are many factors involved in determining whether the abusive behavior means you are in an abusive relationship. These factors include how often and how serious the verbal abuse is, the specifics and intent of what is being said, the context in which it is said and the effect it has on the victim.

Take this quiz to find out if your relationship is as healthy as you deserve.

You can also learn about the different types of abuse, including verbal abuse.

Is it okay if my boyfriend checks my phone from time to time?

- Michigan, 20

Healthy relationships are based on mutual honesty, trust, respect and open communication. If one partner goes through the other’s things, especially without their knowledge or consent, that is not okay and the relationship is likely unhealthy. Each person must determine for themselves what they are comfortable with and what level of privacy they want in their relationships. And it’s important to communicate this decision to one’s boyfriend or girlfriend. If that is not respected, something is not right.

Depending on what’s happening in the relationship, these types of behaviors can be a warning sign that your relationship is headed in the wrong direction. It’s important to address it right away before things become worse.

To read about how to build healthy relationships, click here.

To take a quiz that can help you figure out if your relationship is healthy, click here.

To learn more about the warning signs of abuse and what steps you can take to stay safe, click here.

Remember, you have the right to a safe and healthy relationship, free from abuse.

People tell me what my boyfriend does is not ok, but I sometimes don’t understand what is so bad about it. When we’re fighting I try to walk away and he grabs me by the hair and pulls me back. He started being rude to me in front of my friends. It’s humiliating. I only have gotten one bruise on my arm and that’s it.

- 17, California

Unfortunately, the behaviors you’ve described are typically found in abusive relationships. And it doesn’t matter how many bruises he’s left you or if he’s left none at all. Whether or not there’s a mark, what he’s doing is a type of abuse. When he humiliates you in front of friends it is also being abusive.

If your friends are telling you that what he is doing is not right, then they may be noticing these things too. When someone causes you pain on purpose, that is not healthy. If you decided to reach out to us, perhaps it’s because you also feel that something in your relationship is not right–you shouldn’t ignore those feelings. Abuse can continue and get worse in a cycle of abuse. Remember that your well-being and happiness are what matter most.

I am not sure if I am in an abusive relationship. There are many people that feel I am being abused although I’ve never been hit. He is very jealous and is constantly checking up on me. I am not “allowed” to do anything with friends or family without it causing a fight. He is never outright mean to me but he says hurtful things and then says he is “just joking.” Is this abuse and is it going to get worse?

- 24, Florida

In healthy relationships, a person is mindful of their partner’s feelings and respects his or her wishes. You described behaviors typically found in abusive relationships.

Remember, there are different types of abuse. He may not hit you but abuse can also be things that he says. You say he doesn’t “allow” you to spend time with friends and family. Anytime someone is trying to control your life, it’s abusive. And it can escalate to something worse.

Abuse can also be when your partner tells you something to upset you and then says it was “just a joke.” It’s not a joke if it’s hurtful and intentional. When someone causes you pain on purpose, that is not love. Love should make you feel happy, treasured and safe.

Unfortunately, abusive relationships tend to only get worse as they go through the cycle of abuse. Remember that even though it is difficult and scary, there is always help.

Is it okay for me to hit my boyfriend because I am a girl?

- 16, Florida

Physical violence is a serious form of abuse and can include hitting, punching, kicking, spitting, throwing, or using a weapon to harm someone. If you are hurting your boyfriend like this on purpose, it is not okay.

Even if you don’t mean to hurt him, you may be doing more harm than you think. Ultimately, the person who decides whether you are just playing around or seriously causing pain is your boyfriend. Even if you don’t think it is a big deal, you partner might.

The safest bet is to refrain from violence in a relationship no matter what the situation is.

I say hurtful things sometimes to my partner, but just as a joke. Am I being abusive?

- 16, Florida

Often people in relationships say hurtful things to each other. But saying hurtful things to humiliate, put down, control, or harass your partner is a form of abuse.

It can be difficult and confusing to figure out if you are in an abusive relationship. Educating yourself about the dynamics of dating and domestic violence is a good first step.

take the healthy relationship quiz to help decide if your relationship is as healthy as you deserve. If you decide you are acting in an unhealthy manner, read these suggestions on how you can stop being abusive

I’m so confused. I can’t tell if he’s controlling me or not. He has done some things that are physical but he’s trying to stop. But then again, I do as much as I can to keep him from getting mad at me so I’m not sure if he has completely stopped. Should I get him mad to find out?

- 16, Texas

Avoid making him upset on purpose just to see what his reaction will be. That said, regardless of what you’ve done to make him upset in the past, there is no reason for you to experience ANY type of abuse from him. It’s important to do things to keep relationships healthy and happy and functioning well–they take work. But that doesn’t mean having to constantly watch what you say or do. That’s not natural and it’s not healthy. In healthy relationships you feel safe and loved at ALL times.

Sometimes it may begin to feel that things will get better when the person begins to treat their partner better. On rare occasions it lasts forever but most times it does not and the abuse continues. That’s the cycle of abuse. Remember that your health and well-being are what matter most.