Legal Action

I am in a lesbian relationship. I am currently 17 and my girlfriend is 16. Recently, my girlfriend’s mother just found out she was gay and dating me. She is homophobic and refuses to accept her daughter. She is threatening to put a restraining order against me, if I do not stay away. Does she have any legal basis to do this? This restraining order would just be her attempt to prevent her daughter from living out who she is. Does she have anything to stand on here?

- 17, Virginia

Restraining orders are intended to protect an individual from harm by keeping their abuser away from them. The specific details of domestic violence restraining orders vary by state but there are two basic requirements that must be met:

1. There must be a certain type of relationship between the petitioner and the abuser.
2. There must be abuse in the relationship.

If neither of these apply, it is unlikely that a judge would grant a domestic violence restraining order simply to keep someone away from another person unless they are doing something wrong. There are different types of restraining orders; however, for the most part there has to be some type of abuse or harassment from one person to the other in order to have it granted. In general, other types of restraining orders are difficult to get and they are not intended to just stop a relationship. That could be considered abuse of the system.

My ex-boyfriend still hits me and sends me threatening messages over MySpace. What should I do?

- 15, California

First and foremost, if you ever feel that you’re in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to call 911.

If your ex-boyfriend is sending you threatening messages over MySpace, there are certain things you can do to protect yourself, like setting your account to private and make it so that you have to approve messages before they are posted on your page. If you haven’t already, the best thing to do is to remove him as a ‘friend.’ He won’t be able to see your page if you don’t have him as a ‘friend’ and you set your account to private.

In addition to threatening you online, you say that your ex-boyfriend still hits you. One thing you may want to consider is to get a restraining order. In California, you can file for a restraining order on your own if you are over 12 years old; you don’t need your parents’ involvement. However, if you are under 18 and live with a parent or guardian, a copy of the restraining order must be sent to one of the parents or guardians, unless the judge decides that it is not in your best
interest.

Restraining orders are free and you can file for one by going to court. At first, you only get a temporary order. When you file, you are asked to go back to court for the official hearing (sometimes a week or two later) and this is when the judge decides if there is reason to give you a permanent restraining order. Until the hearing happens, the temporary order will be
effective. If the judge gives you the permanent restraining order, it will be effective for 5 years and can be renewed after that. It can protect you and family/household members.

In general, each state has different guidelines for granting a restraining order. This includes the actions or behaviors that have happened. In California, actions/behaviors range from actually being sexually and/or physically abused to being stalked, harassed or threatened. If for any reason you don’t qualify for a domestic violence restraining order, there
may be another type of restraining order you qualify for. The best thing to do is to speak to a legal advocate in your community who can talk to you about your legal options.

Something to keep in mind is that when a judge is considering granting a restraining order, he/she will look at all the evidence and decide if there is enough reason to give one. Something you may want to do is to keep a journal where you describe in full detail any events or confrontations that happen between you and your ex-boyfriend. This should
include dates of when it happened; the more details the better. Also, if he ever leaves bruises on your body, take pictures of them and save them. Save also any texts or threatening messages he sends you.

You want to make sure you are always safe. Create a safety plan as well to ensure your safety. Above all, know that you don’t have to do this alone. Talk to someone that you trust about what is going on and let them know how they can help you; it’s a good idea to have someone’s support.

I broke up with my boyfriend weeks ago and he continues to harass and leave threatening messages, asking why I am acting this way and cursing at me. He calls me more than 10 times a day and I fear that he will show up–he has before. I also have emails telling him to leave me alone and him refusing. Do my parents need to be involved in getting me a restraining order and do I have enough evidence?

- 17, California

Each state has different guidelines for granting a restraining order. In California, if a person has harassed you, made threatening phone calls, stalked you or disturbed your peace (among other things), this can be enough reason for a judge to grant a restraining order. The most effective way to prove to a judge that you need a restraining order is by keeping a record of everything that happens. That way, if you happen to be in court you want to be able to tell the judge specifics about your ex-boyfriend’s abusive behaviors. A good way to keep track of this is by keeping a journal. You should also save any messages and emails he sends you.

In California, if you are 12 years old or older, you can get a restraining order without your parent’s permission. However, if you are under 18 and you live with a parent or guardian, a copy of the restraining order has to be sent to one of your parents or guardian, unless a judge decides it’s not in your best interest.

You said that your ex-boyfriend calls you many times a day. This is also abuse even if it’s via cell phone. Do not respond to his messages because it might make it harder for you to get a restraining order or to file a criminal report. Some phone companies can block numbers from calling or texting you. Contact your provider and ask if they can do this. If they can’t, perhaps changing your phone number is another possibility. Above all, don’t hesitate to contact the police if you ever feel that you’re in immediate danger.

Can I get a restraining order?

- 24, New York

Each state has different guidelines or requirements for filing for and granting a restraining order. In addition, it may also depend on the specific circumstances, age and the type of relationship you have with the other person.

In most states, you must have a certain type of relationship in order to qualify for a domestic violence restraining order (order of protection in NY) against the other person. For example, the law might allow people who were once married to get a domestic violence restraining order, but not people who were just dating. Even if you don’t qualify for a domestic violence restraining order, there may be another kind of restraining order you can qualify for. The best thing to do is to talk to someone in your community to find out more information.

As for the circumstances, in some states it may be enough for a person to have caused you deep emotional distress, while in others you may require documentation of a more specific act. Regardless, the best way to prove to a judge that a restraining order is necessary is by keeping a record of everything that happens; the more detail that is given to a judge, the better. A good way to keep track of this information is by keeping a journal.

Read more about restraining orders, teens and restraining orders and whether a restraining order is the right choice for you.

I had a baby with my abuser, and we finally broke up a while ago. Now I want to get full custody of our child. How do I do that?

- 19, Georgia

To change the custody agreement that you and your baby’s parent have, you would have to open a case in Civil Court and bring it up in front of a judge. The most important thing to remember is that when a case goes to the judge, the judge will make the decision about your custody arrangements. There is no way you can completely guarantee that the judge will give you full custody, but a custody agreement set by a judge might help regulate when you have to see your child’s parent, how the child will go from one parent to the other, and whether it is safe for your child to visit his/her parent unsupervised. A custody agreement might also make your and your child’s lives safer. Depending on the state, you may also be able to set child support, which is money that your child’s parent has to pay every month to help with the costs of raising your child.

Because the rules are different in every state, it will be very important to speak to a lawyer or legal organization from your state about all of your options so you can make the best decisions for you and your baby.

My parents threaten to get a restraining order against my girlfriend because they want us to break up. Can they do that?

- 16, California

Thank you for contacting Break the Cycle!

To answer your question, I want to first explain to you exactly what a restraining order is and how to get one. A domestic violence restraining order (DVRO) is a piece of paper, signed by a judge in the family law court, which makes it illegal for an abuser to come near or to contact his/her victim. The specific details about what a restraining order can and cannot do depend on the laws of each state.

In order to qualify for a domestic violence restraining order, you must have a “domestic” relationship with the abuser. In most states, you will qualify if the abuser is someone you are or were married to, you have a child with, you are an immediate relative of, or used to live with. In other states, you can qualify also if you are dating, involved in an intimate or sexual relationship, engaged to, or related by adoption, marriage, or the foster care system.

Since your parents do not have a “domestic” relationship with your girlfriend, it is unlikely that they will be able to get a domestic violence restraining order against her. If you are worried about it, you need to find out what specific requirements your state has on restraining orders.

Your question makes me wonder if there is a reason your parents believe your relationship with your girlfriend is unhealthy enough to take legal action to separate you from her. Take this Is Your Relationship Healthy Quiz to find out if your relationship is healthy.

A while ago I got a restraining order against my ex-boyfriend. In the beginning it worked fine, but recently, he has been sending me text messages saying he wants to talk to me. What do I do?

- 16, California

Violating a court order is a crime, and if your abuser is not complying with the terms of your restraining order, you should call the police. The police may then arrest your abuser for hurting you or violating your restraining or protective order and help you to document the abuse, including taking pictures of your injuries and interviewing witnesses. If necessary, they can also assist you to find help in your community at a local domestic violence shelter or agency.

For more information, see Calling the Police and About Restraining Orders or call 888-988-8336.