Moving On

In order for my abusive relationship to stop, I moved to another state. I am now experiencing “triggers” from things that did happen in my bad relationship and find myself crying. How do I not end up in another abusive relationship again?

- 24, Arizona

Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy, as you experienced. And even after you leave, it is possible to experience “triggers” as a result of everything you were put through.

To avoid abusive relationships in the future, it’s important to always be aware of what the warning signs are. It doesn’t mean that you always be vigilant and analyze everything that happens in future relationships. What it means is simply being aware of what’s happening in a relationship. It also means being aware of your thoughts and listening to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right to you, there may be a reason. Unfortunately, you experienced an abusive relationship. But you can use the experience to help increase your awareness. And of course, always remind yourself that you deserve to be in a safe and healthy relationship that is free from abuse and free from fear.

Something you can do moving forward is to spend time with family and friends. If there are family functions, consider taking part in them. And if your friends are getting together, consider joining them. Also, take part in activities and hobbies that you enjoy. The idea is to surround yourself with people and things that make you feel happy, as well as surround yourself by those who maintain healthy relationships. And again, continuously reminding yourself that you deserve a happy and healthy relationship.

Dealing with the emotions resulting from an abusive relationship can be a very difficult thing to do. If you’re still experiencing these triggers, talk to someone like a counselor or a therapist who can help you through it. You shouldn’t have to deal with this on your own. There is support for you. There is help.

Is it wrong to stay in an abusive relationship? It feels as though if I were to leave I would be left with nothing at all.

- 15, Hawaii

It’s difficult to say whether it’s right or wrong to stay in an abusive relationship, but what is clear is that it’s not healthy or safe to stay in a relationship that is abusive. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship that is full of trust, happiness and respect. YOU deserve to be in a healthy relationship. No one should feel that an abusive relationship is the only option.

Sometimes when a person is involved in an abusive relationship, they may begin to feel that things will get better when their partner starts to treat them better. On rare occasions the abuse may really end when the person has made the absolute commitment to change. But most times it does not and the abuse continues. This is what happens in a cycle of abuse. The abuse can also get worse over time and it can also become harder to get out of an abusive relationship the longer you are involved in it.

Although you may feel that ending your relationship will leave you with nothing, I think you should ask yourself if the relationship you have is what you want. When you think of the type of relationship you want from someone, is that what you see with your partner? Is your relationship going to get better or is it safer for you to get out and begin to move forward? These are all very important questions to ask yourself. Remember, you cannot force your partner to change. Your partner must be the one to make the commitment to do so. It’s important for you to think about your safety, your well-being AND your happiness. You don’t only deserve this, you also have a right to it.

I just got out of an abusive relationship with my boyfriend. He was verbally and sexually abusive. I can make a list so long it will fill a book of all the things he has said to me, made me feel or has done to me. I just don’t know what to make about this whole thing or how to move on. What should I do? I am hurting so much. I see him and I get so scared. I am afraid the effect this has had on my life.

- 23, Texas

No one should have to endure what you went through. Keep in mind that what happened was not your fault. He should have respected you. You didn’t deserve that.

It’s great that you found a way to end the relationship. It’s not an easy thing to do and the difficulty can continue even after it’s over. After all you’ve experienced, it’s understandable why you feel that way that you do. What he did was wrong and very abusive. It may not seem this way now, but by ending the relationship and reaching out for help, you are already taking the first steps to moving on and healing. Sometimes asking for help can be just as difficult, if not more. Give yourself some credit for that.

What you’re going through now is extremely hard, and it’s even harder if you’re doing it on your own. Share this experience with someone you trust. It’s important to have lots of support to help you through it. Or consider talking to a counselor to help guide you along the way. It may be hard, but there is a way to get through it. Just remember that you don’t have to do it alone.

Ending a relationship can sometimes be one of the most dangerous times for a victim. If you ever feel that you’re in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to call the police. Create a safety plan to help you stay safe. You may not feel it’s necessary but it’s always a good idea, especially when you’ve ended an abusive relationship. Remember, your safety and well-being are what matter most.