Power & Control

My younger sister has been in a relationship for a year and a half now. She is always yelling, cursing, or hitting her boyfriend and he uses manipulation and jealousy to control her actions. She does not know how to control her anger and it terrifies me to think of what could escalate between them.

- 18, California

Supporting someone who is in an abusive or unhealthy relationship can be very difficult. It sounds like both your sister and her boyfriend are taking part in abusive behaviors and you are absolutely right to be concerned that something greater can escalate between them.

As much as you want to help your sister, you cannot force her to change. She must be the one to make that decision. Addressing and confronting violence, whether coming from another person or dealing with one’s own behaviors, is very difficult. Continuing to give your sister that support she needs will make it a bit easier on her, especially if she is your younger sister and looks to you for guidance and advice.

There are many challenges to getting out of an abusive relationship. This entire process will be difficult for her. Remind her that you are there for her and that you will be supportive throughout the entire process. And soon, hopefully, your sister will be on her way to taking those steps to creating healthy relationships, for herself and others.

My partner and I have been dating for almost 4 years now. Even though the college I am going to is only 30 minutes away from our hometown, I really want to move into the dorms. Now he is trying everything in his power to convince me not to. He claims it will ruin our relationship.

Even though I do care about his feelings, I still want to move on campus, and I don’t feel that it has anything to do with him. Do you think I should end the relationship? Am I wrong to think such horrible things about a person I love?

- 18, Iowa

You are not a horrible person for doubting your relationship! It sounds like you are in an unhealthy relationship, and I am glad that you have taken the first step by questioning your situation. Extreme jealousy and possessiveness are the most typical warning signs that a relationship will become abusive. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Unfortunately, it may only get worse.

In a healthy relationship, your partner supports you and encourages you to do the things that will make you happy. If you feel strongly about moving away for college, your partner should respect your decisions, not manipulate or blackmail you into doing something you don’t want. Keep in mind that you always have the right to make your own decisions about your life.

While it may seem like it’s too hard right now to break up with him, it may be even harder and more painful, physically and emotionally, to wait until the relationship gets worse. I know it is very difficult to get out of an unhealthy relationship. The best advice I can give you is to trust that your friends and your family will be there to help you through this time.

Depending on where you live, you may also have some legal options to stay safe and away from your boyfriend, like a Restraining Order.

My boyfriend has a horrible temper and is constantly getting mad at me over nothing. He has never hurt me physically, but my family thinks he is very controlling. Do you think he may be abusive someday?

- 15, West Virginia

It is important to remember that no one has the right to control you or make you feel bad about yourself. These things are emotionally abusive, whether your boyfriend ever physically hurts you or not. Sometimes this behavior does lead to physical and sexual abuse, sometimes it doesn’t.

If you trust your friends and family to talk about your relationship, they may help you decide if this relationship is right for you. I also encourage you to take our Healthy Relationship Quiz to identify other abusive things your boyfriend may be doing. Examples of other abusive behaviors to look out for are keeping you from friends and family, extreme jealousy, telling you what you can and can’t do, and name-calling. See our Types of Abuse for more information.

It is important that you are worried about protecting your physical safety, but remember that your emotional health and well-being are just as important.

It’s a good sign that you are questioning your situation. No matter what happens, remember, you can ask us anything.