Sexual Assault

My boyfriend claims he loves me but why does he pressure me into things he knows I don’t want to do, such as touching a lot?

- 16, Virginia

First, everyone deserves to be in a healthy relationship where there is respect for each other and where both people feel safe and protected. It’s very unfortunate that this is not what you’re getting.

It’s hard to say why your boyfriend is doing what he is doing; the point is that it is not okay, especially if by “touching a lot” you mean in a sexual way. Your boyfriend should respect your decisions. Pressuring someone into doing something (sexually) they don’t want to do, can be considered sexual assault. This can also be called sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is any sexual behavior that is unwanted or interferes with a person’s right to say “no” to sexual advances.

If you have told your boyfriend what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with and he continues to do it, this can be a type of abuse (sexual abuse) and it is NOT okay. Being sexually involved with someone should be safe and healthy. This means that both of you should agree 100% on what is okay for each of you and respect each other’s decisions. You have every right to say “no.”

Think about your well-being and happiness and think about what you want out of your relationship. Unfortunately, abuse can get worse over time and there can be sexual health risks. As much as you may want this relationship to work, it’s important that you put your safety first.

Is it my fault that my ex forced me to have sex with him and hurt me? I feel like it is.

- 14, California

The answer is no, it is NOT your fault. And it doesn’t matter what the circumstances may have been, whether you said something to upset him or if you were already sexually active with him. If he forced you, it is absolutely not okay. Being sexually involved with someone should be safe and healthy. Regardless of what happened, you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. It wasn’t your fault.

Remember that everyone deserves to be in a healthy relationship where your decisions will be respected. Learn about sexual health risks in abusive relationships and about sexual assault.

I started dating this guy last year who was extremely controlling and I know was emotionally abusive. One morning when we woke up he told me we were going to have sex. I told him I didn’t want to because I didn’t feel well. He got on top of me and said we were going to have sex if I wanted to or not. I didn’t fight him, I just laid there and let it happen. Was it ok that he kept going because I didn’t continue to say no? I still have flashbacks and anxiety from this experience. I don’t know if am overreacting.

- 19, California

The answer is no, you are NOT overreacting. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t continue to say no. You said you did not want to and he said you were going to have sex whether you wanted to or not. That makes in NOT okay. It’s understanding why you continue to have flashbacks and anxiety. Anyone that has an experience like yours might feel the exact same way so don’t feel like you’re overreacting.

It’s terrible that your ex-boyfriend put you through this and that he’s left you with many painful memories. Being sexually involved with someone should be safe and healthy. Regardless of what happened, you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. It wasn’t your fault.

When I was 19 I started dating a guy who was 20. One time he started getting intimate with me, but I wasn’t feeling good so I said “NO.” He kept going so I just laid there with tears in my eyes. We are not together anymore, but I still think it was my fault. What should I do?

- 22, Pennsylvania

“No” always means “no.” What happened to you is not your fault. Forcing you to do something you don’t want to do is abusive. Although the relationship has ended, you do have decisions to make about what to do next.

The most important thing is for you to trust your own instincts about what is the healthiest and safest option for you. It can be very helpful to talk about your options with someone you trust. You may want to call a sexual assault or domestic violence agency in your area to find a counselor and support group. This support may help you decide whether you also want to make a report to the police or apply for a protection order.

Remember that you have rights and there are people in your community who can help. For more information, see Types of Abuse and About Sexual Assault or call 888-988-TEEN.