Warning Signs

My boyfriend hasn’t had an easy life. He hasn’t been able to control the things that happen. So I expected him to be a little controlling when we first got together. Except lately we have been fighting. He is jealous, possesive, controlling. When I pointed this out to him he calmed down and things were really good for awhile. Now the signs are starting to come back. What can I do to show him I love him but also explain to him he needs to change?

- 17, Kansas

What you described about your boyfriend, that he is jealous, possessive and controlling, is not okay. These are definitely warning signs of potential abuse. It’s important to know the many types of abuse; physical, sexual, and verbal/emotional.

Of course, this does not mean that your boyfriend is abusive, per se, but it does mean that it has the potential of becoming that. Abuse can become worse over time. It sounds like your relationship is on an unhealthy track and it’s important to address that right away. You deserve to be in a safe and healthy relationship that is free from abuse. A healthy relationship consists of mutual trust, respect and support. If any of these are missing, the relationship can be in serious trouble. And remember, regardless of what’s happened in a person’s life, there is never an excuse to hurt someone in any way.

What you decide to do, whether to say in the relationship or end it, is completely your decision. Breaking up is not easy, especially when you really care about the person. But you do deserve to be with someone who will respect you, support you and treat you well. You also deserve to be happy and to feel happy about your relationship.

If you decide to stay in the relationship, it’s important for you to have a talk with your boyfriend about what’s been going on. Here are some things to do and to keep in mind:

• If his behavior continues, set limits and consequences for his actions. Let him know that you will leave the relationship if he doesn’t change the behaviors you believe are unhealthy or unsafe.
• Make sure to focus on your own needs. Be clear about exactly how you need him to change, which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not. Don’t accept excuses if he doesn’t make these changes.
• Encourage your boyfriend to get help. A domestic violence or counseling program can teach him to have a violence-free relationship.
• Remember that he should have a positive attitude towards change. If he can admit that what he’s doing is not okay, it’s more likely that his behaviors will stop.

If you decide to end the relationship, it’s important to know that abuse can get worse when you decide to leave the relationship. It’s a very good idea to create a safety plan. A safety plan is a personalized and practical plan for reducing your risk of being hurt by your partner. By thinking through it in advance, a safety plan can help you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react when you are in danger.

Being involved in an unhealthy relationship can sometimes make a person feel isolated. If you haven’t done so already, think about talking to someone that you trust about what’s happening. It’s very important to have the support from someone you know and trust. You shouldn’t have to deal with this on your own.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for six months. He never hits me or does anything to “intentionally” hurt me emotionally. However, sometimes, we have a little argument and he gets so frustrated and angry that he throws things. Never toward or directed at me/anyone, however it scares me. I tell him and he apologizes. He just “wants to talk to me” a lot. I barely have time to see my family anymore because he takes so much of my time.

- 16, North Carolina

You said that your boyfriend doesn’t hit you and that he doesn’t hurt you intentionally but he IS doing things that are hurting you and scaring you. This is NOT ok. He may not hit you or throw things at you, but it sounds like he’s doing things that are indirectly aimed at you. Little arguments may happen and sometimes you will get frustrated with or upset at the other person; this is natural. But it is not “normal” and not okay to throw things as a response. Throwing things to intimidate your partner is a types of abuse so you should definitely keep an eye on this.

It’s important to know that things can become worse. If you sense something is not right you shouldn’t ignore that feeling.

Also, if your boyfriend is asking so much of you that it begins to keep you from spending time with other people in your life, this is a big warning sign. It should never come to that. Talk to your boyfriend about what is happening and what you are feeling. If he really cares about you and wants to make things right, he will acknowledge that his behavior is not okay and stop for good. And if he is not willing to listen or take you seriously or his abusive behavior doesn’t change, then that’s clearly a sign that things are not right and may not get better. And you DO deserve better. Remember, in a healthy relationship your partner will always respect you and find ways to deal with his frustrations in a safe and healthy way.

Above all, trust your instincts. If you feel scared at any time, make sure to ask for help. Your safety and well being are extremely important.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years have never had any problems involving abuse or anything like that. He is really supportive and loving and has never hurt me. Last weekend he got really angry after I became grumpy and kicked me out of our house. He was so angry he threatened to hurt me. I doubt he would ever do it again but it’s made me feel weird toward our relationship. What should I do? I’m so confused.

- 19, Washington

You have every right to be upset and to feel “weird” toward your relationship. If your boyfriend is truly supportive and loving, that should have never happened. Regardless of how grumpy you may have been or what argument you may have had, there is no excuse for him threatening to hurt you. And he may not have physically hurt you, but the use of words alone, like his threat, are hurtful enough. That’s abuse.

After being with him for a long time it will be very difficult for you to make a decision. But the only person who can decide whether you should stay in the relationship or leave is you. I would say that after all that time you should know him very well. But this event has changed that because this has never happened before and it took you by surprise. So you have to ask yourself how well you really know him and are you willing to work through it. And keep in mind that if it happened once because of thecycle of abuse it can happen again.

The bottom line is that you deserve to be in a relationship where there is never any doubt that you will always feel loved and protected. Just remember that your happiness and well-being are what matter most.