FAQs – Breaking Up

Check out the Q&As below for our frequently asked questions on Breaking Up.

How do I end my abusive relationship?

I know my relationship is abusive but I care about my partner and I’m not sure if I want to break up. What should I do?

I ended my abusive relationship but we got back together because I felt guilty and also hoping my partner would change. Is this bad?

How do I end my abusive relationship?

There isn’t one particular way of ending an abusive relationship because situations are always different for everyone. But the first thing you should do is think about your safety. Abuse can often become worse when a person decides to leave so it’s important to create a safety plan right away. This is a personalized and practical plan for reducing your risk of being hurt by your partner. By thinking through it in advance, a safety plan can help you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react when you are in danger. Even if you are not quite ready to end the relationship, your safety should always be your priority. You can find more information about safety planning and download our helpful safety planning guidebook here

Keep in mind that abuse may still continue even after the relationship is over. So even if you have already broken up, it is still important to follow a safety plan closely.

If you are worried about your safety, especially if your partner has made threats, you may have the option of filing for a protection order (also known as a restraining order). Requirements for protection orders are different in every state so talk to an attorney in your community who can give you more guidance. To find out the general guidelines for domestic violence protection orders in your state, click here.

Remember, there isn’t one particular way of ending a relationship. But it’s much harder to do so without the support of someone. Talk to someone that you trust about what’s happening. Let them know how they can help you get through this; you shouldn’t have to go through this alone. It’s also a good idea to have a friend with you when you’re ready to break up, whether you’re doing it in person or over the phone.

Lastly, don’t hesitate to call 911 if you’re ever in immediate danger.

You can read more about ending an abusive relationship .

I know my relationship is abusive but I care about my partner and I’m not sure if I want to break up. What should I do?

Making the decision to end a relationship is not always easy, especially when you have feelings for the person. But it’s important to consider whether staying in an abusive relationship is the best thing for you. Abuse is often happens as part of a cycle and can get worse over time and remaining in a relationship that is already abusive can put a person at risk for more serious harm. You deserve to be with someone who will respect you, support you and treat you well. You also deserve to be happy and to feel happy about your relationship.

One thing we recommend is to spend more time with people whose company you enjoy and to take part in activities and hobbies that you enjoy. The idea is to surround yourself with people and things that make you feel happy, as well as surround yourself by those who maintain healthy relationships. Sometimes this helps put things in perspective.

Ending an abusive relationship can also be harder when you try to do so on your own. If you haven’t already, talk to someone that you trust about what’s happening. Let them know how they can help you get through this. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

Only you can make the decision whether to end or stay in the relationship. Regardless of your decision, create a safety plan to help reduce your risk of being hurt by your partner. Click here to learn more about safety planning or to download a safety planning guidebook.

Lastly, remember you have the right to a safe and healthy relationship, free from abuse and free from fear.

You can find more information about how to leave an abusive relationship here.

I ended my abusive relationship but we got back together because I felt guilty and also hoping my partner would change. Is this bad?

Breaking up can be hard, even when the relationship is unhealthy or abusive and especially when you still care about the person. And sometimes it takes more than one try before you’re able to end it for good. Just remember that you have the right to a safe and healthy relationship, free from abuse.

There are different reasons why people go back to relationships that are unhealthy or abusive; feelings of guilt and a hope that the person will change are two of those reasons. While it may feel like you are abandoning someone–and maybe the other person makes you feel this way–you have a right to a safe and healthy relationship. A relationship that is unhealthy or abusive can become worse and put a person at risk for serious harm.

Sometimes an abusive partner will promise to change and/or even make excuses for their actions. But this can just be a part of the cycle of abuse. In this cycle, the abuser will often do or say things to try to make up. But this change is usually only temporary and soon the relationship becomes abusive again, worsening over time. If the person really wants to change, there are programs that can teach them to have a violence-free relationship. But sometimes it’s best if they do so on their own.

Whether you decide to stay in or end the relationship is up to you. But remember that you deserve a happy and healthy relationship. Regardless of your decision, make your safety your priority by following a safety plan closely. It can help reduce your risk of being hurt by your partner. You can find more information about safety planning and download our helpful safety planning guidebook here.

Ending an abusive relationship can be very hard, especially when you try to do so on your own. Talk to someone you trust. Let them know how they can support you and help you get through this, even long after you have broken up. Remember you are not alone; there is help.

You can read more about ending an abusive relationship .