Is My Abusive Partner Changing?

Getting help to stop abusive behavior is an important first step. However, going to counseling or joining a support group is only successful if your partner’s attitudes and behaviors change. It is probably not safe for you to stay with or have contact with your partner while he/she is getting help. But if you do choose to have any contact with your partner, you are the best person to judge whether or not your partner has really changed.

Is your abusive partner really becoming abuse-free? Answer yes or no to the following questions to find out.

Does the Person I Am With:

1. Hurt me physically? Even if the violence doesn't seem like a big deal, like pulling hair?	Yes No
2. Get upset when I express a different opinion?	Yes No
3. Act like the victim for having to change? Believe that I owe him or her something for changing?	Yes No
4. Dismiss how much I was hurt by the abuse?	Yes No
5. Not take my feelings seriously, especially those on abuse? Use small signs of disrespect, like eye-rolling?	Yes No
6. Blame me for our problems?	Yes No
7. Make excuses for abusive behavior, past and present?	Yes No
8. Substitute violence with abusive language or emotional abuse?	Yes No
9. Have a possessive attitude towards me and my actions?	Yes No
10. Substitute physical violence with physical intimidation, like punching the wall beside me instead of punching me?	Yes No
11. Use pressure and guilt when it comes to our sex life?	Yes No
12. Use old methods of intimidation, control, or humiliation?	Yes No
13. Fall back on old abusive behavior when we have arguments?	Yes No

What Can I Do?

If you answered yes to any of the questions, then your partner still has work to do. Even though your partner has agreed to change, you are still getting hurt. This might mean that you should seriously consider leaving the relationship and ending contact with your partner.

The most important thing is your safety. Whether you decide to leave or stay, have a safety plan ready to better protect yourself. Read our Safety Planning handout for help.

Join Our Mailing List

Need Help?

Download Handout

breakthecycle.org | thesafespace.org