Breaking Up

My ex-boyfriend found out I had been seeing someone else. Aside from all the texts and calls, he harasses me on a daily basis. Tonight he came to my house, inside, and when i tried to push him out he yanked my cell phone right out of my hand and ran and drove off with it. What can I do to stop feeling like a prisoner even though the relationship is over?!

- 19, Oklahoma

First and foremost, if you ever need help or feel that you’re in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to call 911.

If your ex-boyfriend is doing things to intimidate you, scare you or threaten you, you have the right to protect yourself. One option you may have is to file for a restraining order against him. A restraining order—also sometimes called a protection order—is a court order that makes it illegal for the abuser to harm you, come near you or contact you.

In Oklahoma, you can qualify for a restraining order if the abuser is someone:
• You are dating or used to date
• You live with or used to live with
• You have a child with
• You are married to or used to be married to
• Who is your parent or your child
• You are related to by blood or marriage, includes step-parents, in-laws, and adoption or foster relationships
• Who stalked or raped you, whether or not you have a relationship with or even know them

A judge can issue a restraining order when the abuser has:
• Physically abused you or threatened to physically abuse you
• Sexually abused you
• Emotionally distressed you
• Harassed you
• Stalked you
• Sexually harassed you
• Harassed you through obscene telephone calls

The most effective way to prove to a judge that you need a restraining order is by keeping a record of what’s happening with your ex-boyfriend. The more specific you can be, the better. A good way of tracking this is by keeping a journal. That way if you ever go before a judge, you will have all that information prepared. A journal is not exactly evidence, but it helps in stating your case as to why it’s necessary for you to have protection.

Going to court can sometimes be intimidating for people. The best thing for you to do is to talk to an attorney in your community who can provide you with more guidance and who can talk to you about the process of court.

Finally, it’s very important that you create a safety plan. A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that can help you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react when you are in danger. This can include changing your walking route to/from school; having important numbers on you and a cell phone at all times–it’s a good idea to replace the one he took; letting people know where you will be at all times; avoiding going to places alone or where there are few people, etc.

Another thing you can do is change your cell phone number or block your ex-boyfriend’s number. Some phone companies will let you do this. You can contact your service provider and ask if that is something they can do. Remember that if he leaves you any harassing messages, the best thing to do is to save the messages in case you decide to file for a restraining order later.

Just remember that your safety is important. If he’s still coming after you, you definitely want to do something about it, like calling the police. If you haven’t already, talk to someone you trust about this so that they know what’s going on. Taking a few precautionary steps is always a good idea.